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To You Both Now that you are together August 1, 2014
Few tears when I read this..
Marcia Happy 73rd Birthday February 7, 2013
Another birthday comes and goes.  However, the pain continues.  I thought of you today, just like every other since you left.

Life continues to march forward.  Some is good, some isn't.   I hope the balloons I left today will hold up for a bit.  The wind was blowing so strong over the cemetary today that I don't think anything has much of a chance of staying anchored.

Happy Birthday.  Love you and miss you each and every day.
Laura Missing you more than ever... February 6, 2012
Hey Gram,
 Haven't been on here in a while and to be honest, I haven't really stopped to think about much of
anything lately. I've been so busy with school and life in general. I now have a horse and you
wouldn't believe that she has a similar temperament to you. Yes... part of me believes that some of
your heart is in her. Her name is Annie and we've had our ups and downs so far with the whole
training process, but things are going well and I really feel like we're connecting on a deeper level
than just being that person that kicks her ass when she's being disobedient.
I looked at some pictures today that were from a while ago and all I could do was cry. I haven't cried in
a while now... about anything and it was refreshing to let all the tension go. My heart still aches
though.... I don't believe that'll ever go away. There are SO many things I wish I had said to you... I
know I shouldn't think that way, but I can't help it. I miss you SO much and there aren't any words
to heal that hole that you used to fill. I want you here to kick my ass and tell me to be a good girl.
I'm doing fine on my own, as I've been moved out of my father's house now for about 4 years. Times
are hard, Gram. Especially for my generation. I'm so terrified of being done with school and now
succeeding and not knowing where I want to go (live) for the duration. I hate moving so I know that
when I get done with school I want to move somewhere and STAY there. I like stability and knowing
that everything will be in its place when I get home. I think (I KNOW) I get that from you, but that's
a quality that I'm proud of. I like my space haha.

Today was the first day that I had a different thought... You're not going to be here when I get
married and have children. This has been crushing me for the past few days. I don't know how I got
onto that subject, but it's absolutely  heart-breaking to me. I know it's not  your fault and I would
never get angry at you for not being here, but it's just hard for me to still think about. Every now
and then I get sad and just miss you more than ever. I wish that you were just a drive away like
you used to be. I saw Gramp about a month ago and I wish I could get down there sooner. It was nice
to see him though. He's all moved into his new place (adorable) and we went out to breakfast and I
got to meet my new cousins (Nikki's kids) and they are so cute. Gramp seems lonely, but that's not
new. I always cry when I leave there because I'm SO worried about him. I want to be able to be there
for him and keep him company, but I'm so busy with everything else that I don't have a lot of time to
make the 45 minute drive down to him. Makes my heart ache everytime I have to leave him.

On a lighter note, I'm graduating next year and will have an Assiciate's for the Vet Tech degree and also
a Bachelor's degree in Equine Studies. I hope to have a job lined up somewhere out west, but I'm
stilll not sure where I want to be. Sean and I are still living together, it'll be 2 years in March. Not too
much else to say about us I guess.. We're happy and he's good to me, but sometimes I feel like
something is missing. I think I'm just anxious to get my life started and he doesn't really share the same
enthusiasm because he's been out of high school since 2006  (like me) and he just went right to
work. I guess when the time comes to make the decision about moving or not, he'll have to decide
to either come with me or not because I'm going either way. As you and my mom always told me, look
out for yourself and do what makes you happy. I'm determined to make you proud in every way
possible, even if you're not here to tell me that you're proud of me. I'm SO excited to graduate
and I can't wait to have all the family there to share that with me.

I'll be thinking of you always and I look at my tattoo every day and think of how much I love you
and I know that you can hear me when I say that. Love you Grammy. Gone, but not forgotten. Wink
Grammy Missing you December 18, 2011
Im listening to blue Christmas by Elvis.... Gram i miss you and love you so much

Laura Ashlee Conrad omg I listened to that the other day and started crying because I miss her so much :(
Laura Ashlee Conrad omg I listened to that the other day and started crying because I miss her so much :(   
Nichole Rogers I have been thinking about gram a lot lately. I would give any thing to have her back
It's me . . .

It's days or times like this that I struggle with.  Sitting here alone, thinking about you.  So much has been going on the past couple of months . . . where to start?  I guess the big news is Dad's move.  Yup, again.
Go figure, he has ABSOLUTELY hated living in the condo.  No surprise to me.  So, he's found a cute little house, that with some time and "money" can be fixed up nicely and will suit his needs. My only concern is that there won't be people around for him to interact with as he, or they, come and go. That's compounded by the fact that he's dislocated his hip 4 times in the past 8 weeks.  Unfortunately, the reality of it is, is that it's not going to get better, he has to have surgery which most likely will get set up the beginning of next week.  The summer is flying by with us dealing with this house issue.  Many times  had to beat Dad down when he wanted to cut corners in order to save money.  I literally had to say - "Mom, we kill me if I let you move in without this or that being done".  I even reminded him at one point that he has never lived in a dirty house and he wasn't going to start now.  Don't worry, he'll be fine, it's just been a lot of work and with the hip issue and now selling the condo, it's just been overwhelming for him.  Somedays I don't think he realizes how lucky he is at the things I take off his plate.  Of course then that keeps my things at an overwhelming state but then again, when in the past 30 years, hasn't it been.  Everyone is doing pretty much the same.  We continue to work, eat, and sleep.  Nichole is expecting baby girl #3 - she now has Aaliyah who is almost 3 or is 3.  Ruby, who is now 8 months or so, and I don't remember when the other one is due - before the end of the year.  Coyah starts kindergarten this fall, as she has turned 5.  Laura is still in college though has finished up her Vet Tech program.  Kayla is back in Lebanon.  Danny is still in PA.  He's determined to prove you wrong - that they don't "always come back".  I still worry about him every day.  I had hoped that you could get some extra "pull" and that he would have over come his addiction.  That hasn't happened.  Not sure if Dan's has licked his either.  I know you wanted so much for us to be back together but things fell apart again after you left.  He's been at his Father's for at least a year and a half.  On the days that I don't have the ambition to "feel" anything, I'm just angry.  Angry at him; that our life is where it's at at this stage in life; angry that he seems content to just exist at his Father's; angry that he's left me to take care of it all - like always. And his only comment is that "I'm (me), difficult to be with".  He doesn't get it.  I always ASSUMED we would eventually get back together but I don't think that anymore.  I don't know where life is going at this point other than just drifting from one day to the next.  I just keep hoping that there's more to life than "this".  I'm hoping when I'm paid my dues, that there will be some piece of happiness before the end of my lifetime.  The one thing that doesn't change is that EVERY SINGLE DAY I think about you, I miss you. I have days I cry for you and want you back here, with us.  Selfish?  Yes.  I admit it.  NOTHING has been the same since you've been gone.  My only consillation (I HOPE) is that you are free in your new world.  Free of pain, worry, anxiety and that you can still feel the love we all have for you. In my heart, I have to believe that.   I love you Mom.


Don't grieve for me, for now I'm free.

I'm following the path God laid for me.

I took God's hand when I heard the call.

I turned my back and left it all.


I could not stay another day

To laugh, to love, to work or play.

Tasks left undone must stay that way,

I found that place at the close of day.


If my parting has left a void,

Then fill it with remembered joy.

A friendship shared, a laugh, a kiss.

Ah yes, these things I too will miss.


Be not burdened with times of sorrow,

I wish you the sunshine of tomorrow.

My life's been full, I savored much,

Good friends, good times,

A loved one's touch.


Perhaps my time seemed all too brief,

Don't lengthen it now with undue grief.

Lift up your heart and share with me

God wanted me now.

God set me free.

If roses grow in heaven, Lord, then pick a bunch for me. Place them in my grandma's arms and tell her they're from me. Tell her that I love and miss her, and when she turns to smile, place a kiss upon her cheek and hold her for a while. ♥ Not a day goes by I don't miss you!
Mom ~

A birthday I truly wish we had been able to celebrate with you and for you.  It's days like today that I want to scream that it's not fair.  It's not fair that you're not here.  There are so, so, so many things I want to talk to you about.  No, nothing that you can solve, but you and I both know just being able to talk about them can sometimes be the only thing that needs to be done to make it better.  So many days I play out what you would do, or say, and the thing I miss the most is you taking my head and laying it on your shoulder. And, every time, the daughter in me would come out.  It was a time I could be the little girl again instead of shouldering the world.  I could cry and it would be ok. And you would just hold me.  It's also one of those days when, like so many times I can remember, us staring into each others eyes and "taking a picture".  I would hold your face in my hands.  I so miss that.


Just know that I have been thinking about you today and miss you.


I love you.


I was just lighting a candle and realized in my comment that we are quickly approaching the two year mark since you left us.  I also realized it feels like it's been a while since I've cried at missing you but  as soon as I stop to "think", the tears flowed as easily as they always did.  Mom, it still seems like there are many times I have a hard time grasping that you are gone.  When I realized 2 yrs. was coming up it was like another electrical shock.  How could that be?  It seems like it was just yesterday, but it also seems like it's been forever.  As you know from experience, the pain lessens.  Oh, it's still very much there.  Somehow we learn to adapt. We learn to get through each day.  Some days I don't know how, some days I don't even remember. But, somehow, we do it.  I know Dad feel continues to feel very lonely. I don't have the answers for him.  I barely have them for me.


Just know that I continue to miss you and am still trying to figure it all out.

Still hurts ...

Spent the entire day thinking about you, feeling the whole in my heart that I though had started to close up and only leak.  I was totally wrong.  I felt your absence and nothing would have changed my day except to have been able to talk to you, see you, hold your face in my hands again and remember the feel of you.  Called Del to wish her a Happy Birthday, she too was thinking of you today.  Stopped and saw Dad to make sure he was making it through the day ok.  Oh Mom, you have to love it - he was making it through the day because in his perpetual state of retirement he doesn't know one day or date, from another.  We were standing outside and he mentioned your name, and for about the 10th time that day I had another meltdown and he says, "tomorrow's our anniversary".  I looked at him and didn't know if I had the courage to correct him, but said, "No Dad, it's today".  He said, "huh, today's teh 9th" and I said, "No Dad, it's the 10th".  The punchline here Mom is that he was holding the Valley News in his hand.  There it was, at the top of the

page TUESDAY - NOVEMBER 10, 2009.  I know, you've gotta laugh, right.  Trust me, he hadn't forgotten  your anniversary for a minute, he just lost a day somewhere this week.  I'm sure he's been over to see you by now.  The bench is still there and you can visit.  Our good weather days will be running out soon and we'll have to bring the bench home, but,there is still time.

Mom - I still live in awe that on one hand the senses fade - remembering the touch, the feel, your hugs, and the next minute, it's been literally minutes that you've been gone.  I question if this sense of surreal will ever go away.  When does one go back to living, vs. existing?  I know, deep subjects. I just don't want to spend the rest of my life trying to find the answers.  Any guidance you have, and can filter down, would be really helpful.  Know that you continue to be in my heart, my mind, and all of those things around me, and the impact I know you have left is clear everytime I hear one of the grandchildren, or your siblings say,  "What would Mom say", "What would Gram say", "What would Ann say".  They too, do not forget.


I Love You Mom


Your Daughter ~

Hi Mom,

Been thinking about you more than usual the past couple of weeks. Lots of random things.  The trailer now sold; total disconnect from Dad's care.  The new owners, a young couple with 2 small kids are making the changes necessary so that it's no longer "Mom and Dad's".  I'm not necessarily sure how Dad was feeling about it, though I do know he's not happy in his new place.  He should have spent more time thinking it through before making his decision.  I can't help but feel that if he had just been left alone and the momentum had slowed a bit, he would have made a "better" decision.  I honestly think part of his decision was based on the fact that he would be closer to you - just across the street, where he can look out his front door and see you.  Unfortunately, it wasn't the right reason.  I struggled greatly with his moving.  The packing and selling/giving away of stuff.  Of cleaning out those last pieces that had belonged to you.  Many things we didn't even necessarily know that you had.  Some I wish we had had you there to tell us the history of them - afghans - who made them, how old were they?  What was the significance?  The multitude of yard sales and then the last of everything was finally done.  The closing was I'm sure, bitter-sweet for Dad, I, on the other hand, walked in, took one look at Dad and dissolved into tears.  Yes, this was now final.  The life my parents had shared next door to me for 11  years, was gone.  It brought another huge change that I didn't want, nor felt ready for.  Like there hasn't been a too many of those the last few years.

I continue to think of you, have my times where I can laugh over a memory of something you've said or done, and then there are the days, hours, moments, sometimes even just seconds, where I cry.  I suspect this pattern will never change.  Yes, "time" does ease the pain but "time" can't ever mend that hole that's left in my heart.  I've tried picking up a book I bought shortly after you left us, called Motherless Daughters".  I start to read and think, what's the point. I know what a "Motherless" Daughter goes through.  I've done for a year and a half.  Though, some days it feels like 10 years, other times, 10 weeks/months.  I continue to try to find healthy ways to "heal" - is there such a way?  I had foot surgery recently Mom, Kris was there and Pat.  Just before I was ready to go to the OR I started to get teary, because I was thinking of you, I looked at Pat and didn't even have to say anything, she just shook her head and I knew she understood because the tears were also in her eyes.

Talked to Danny the other day, he too was having a down day and we were talking it through.  Of course you came up during it, and he shared again, how much he misses you and the many times he feels he NEEDS to talk to you.  More interesting, while discussing something, he said, "what would Gram say".

It was funny how we both could fill those blanks in.  More importantly Mom,

we could laugh.  When we do, we still laugh through tears, but the point is,

we laugh.  It hurts, it feels good.  I guess that's how it all works?  I wish you and I had talked more about what a Daughter goes through when they lose their Mother.  I look at pictures and you face is so familiar to me and yet feels almost like it is losing its recognition.  I know it's you and I can still

almost remember what it "feels" like to hold your face in my hands.  It is all

so bitter sweet.  What I worry about now Mom is Danny and his fears of losing me.  You know me, I try to be matter of fact that this is something we're all going to go through.  I remind him, like myself, that he WOULD survive.  But I also recognize it is totally beyond his comprehension.  And

I totally get that.  Been there, have done it many times.  How will he get

through something so profound in his life, without me there to help him through it.  And yes, it will be the same thing I went through.  I remember asking you one time "how was I going to do this without you".  At the time I think I was referring more to how was I going to do "life" when now I think

what I was asking was "how was I going to get through losing you"?  I guess they're one in the same but one is the immediate future where the other is

long term.  He is so attached (emotionally).  I don't want to change that, but

is there any way to prepare him (and hopefully we have a looonggg) time to do this???  How do I help him now?  He's watched both of his grandmothers, both whom he loved dearly, but had a more intimate relationship with you, die.  He literally was there when each of you took your last breath!  And he was there for us, Me, Dan, doing what ever he could, whatever was needed. He was adamant with both of you, he wasn't leaving the funeral home room until those caskets were closed and locked.  And, he walked that final walk with both of you.  He spoke at both of your funerals and it was one of those times Mom where I was so proud of him and when he finished his speech at your service, he came to me and just put his arms around me and in that very second, other than having you back, there was NOTHING anyone could have done to make that moment more comforting to me.  I have trly been amazed at

the fact that he has been able to handle both of these situations.  He is still living in PA and I think will never be back to NH just to prove "you" wrong.

Sadly, he and Chip have separated and it has broken my heart.  I couldn't make him understand the role that alcohol was playing in his relationship.  That, and he doesn't share very well Mom.  I don't get that part.  I've kept in touch with Chip who actually came to see us this week as he was here in NH on vacation.  He's such a good person, I wish it had worked out.  But, Danny is now having to stand on his own two feet.  Things looked really good the first several weeks, he loves his new apt. but I KNOW, he hates being alone.  He always has; he needs to be around people.   But, it's a good test for him.  I do think his issue had slowed but am concerned I'm seeing another upswing which is what will make or break the current situation.  As with his Father, I will never trust that his problem has/will gone away.  I just continue to pray that it will! 

Steve is "doing"  Things are never easy there.  Still raising Coyah who is quite a ticket.  You would have had fun with her Mom.  She's so smart and very witty.

We don't see Aaliyah as much but know that she's moving right along.  She just turned a year old, is walking, teeth coming in.  Nicole is a good mother.  I know Steve and Kay continue to hopethat one day, Kayla might also get it all together and find her place and take her reign as a Mother.

Laura is back at VTC retaking a class she didn't pass but needs to get her Associates in Vet Tech.  Don't see a whole lot of her as she's busy with school, work, boyfriend and just being "young". lol  Can't fill you in on Sam because I don't know and will leave it at that.  I know if you were here you wouldn't let a response like that go but the bottom line Mom, AGAIN, things happen, things are said, and for me - enough is enough.  She hurt Dad in a way that should not have happened, at a time it shouldn't have happened, for a reason that wouldn't have been created had there not always been another agenda when she spent time with you and/or Dad.  And then, to find paperwork she wasn't expecting to, because with the move and everything Dad had just simply "forgotten", put the situation over the edge.  And, as much as she wants to convince herself the issue is between her and Dad.  Given that Dad himself called me to come, PUT me, in the situation.  Again, things were said and off she went back to Washington, and I have to be ok with that because I don't have the energy to keep putting into a relationship that feels very one-sided.

I just can't do it any more Mom. 

Well, I guess I've been rattling along long enough - there's never anyone else up at this hour to share this stuff with me but I guess you're always there to listen, huh?

I hope you know how much I miss you. How many times I have wanted to turn to you, to talk to you, to bounce something off you, to get your opinion, to get your support, to have you just give me a hug and tell me it's "going to be ok".

To hold me when I cry.  What I wouldn't give for another day, another hour, another minute - just one more hug.   

I love you Mom


Hi,Well Bert sold his house and is moving to Goffestown a couple of weeks he seems excited with the move. I am happy for him he wants to be closer to Kevin so he can spend more time with him.

I talked to Del shes doing well she said Stan is not feeling well and looks awful hes down to a 119 lbs so keep a eye on him for me. Gotta go Jazzy just woke up.I love and miss you your always in my heart and thoughts. Say hi to Mom and Dad tell them i also miss and love them.

All My Love


Pat 07/08/09

Hi, me again i don't know how that picture of George and Aaron poped up there i must have it something.

Love Pat

Pat 07/08/09

Hi Ann,

I thought i would keep you up on the news.talked to Del today she says shes happy in the Carolians likes her job says its busy,she says its hot and humid but will like it when winter comes. So shes doing ok and seems happy with the move. I also talked to stan he said hes starting to feel better but its been 11 weeks with the shingles.Hesaid he didnt think he would be up this summer hes been going over to Del and spending the weekend with her which is nice they can spend the time together.

Its been a wet summer already have'nt had much sun.Thats abouy all the news for now

Say hi to mo and dad tell them i love and miss them.I miss you a lot and keep you in my thoughts all the time and my heart.



well Ann iam on the move again not  far just back to the other side of town you will be able t find me i will be next door to listen. Del is moving South Carolina in a couple of weeks  Bert is still going to the southen part of NH as soon as he sells his house we sure are spreading out it seems i but know you will watch over them no matter were they go Well got to go finish packing. love and miss you. you are always in my thoughts and heart give my love to Mom and Dad see you all soon.

 Love to all Pat



Dear Mom ~ the day that we here have anticipated for some time has now come, and gone!  Though I didn't write, thoughts of you were NEVER more than a second away.  The day was filled with lots of memories of how we had spent it one year earlier.  Yes, it was also filled with tears of what was past, and for those changes about to come.  I'm sure you were aware that we were all at the cemetary - Dad, Steve, Sam and I.  We sent you messages that travel on white balloons.  Though Sam seemed to think that you had more choice words for us as we stood out in the cold rain.  It was assumed that you were most likely telling us to get our stupid asses out of the rain before we caught cold.  As with your birthday, we watched the balloons until we were unable to see them any longer.  This time, we put our addresses and phone numbers and hope that if they are found, we might find where they are.  However, we know they went up - just beyond the moon.  I'm sure you've put them with your birthday balloons, so, your collection has begun.


Never doubt for a minute, how much we miss you - how much I miss you, how much Danny misses you and is needing our help right now.  I'm going to go see him Mom and try to be there for him, as I know you would if it were me, or, how you would be there for him, if you could.  I know he holds you very close to his heart and misses your talks - you know, the ones that ironically sound like the same as the ones he has with me?!?!? (wink).  hahaha


Lots of changes going on next door - Dad is moving.  I hope that doesn't leave you feeling unsettled.  I guess he has made up his mind, and, in the long run should simplify his life.  Just know it won't be as easy to keep an eye on him even though he'll only be down the road. 


As I said, lots of changes - for him, for us, for me.  It all still seems very different.  A life I've not known before.  We started packing yesterday and the reminders, the memories were difficult at times.  Everything we touched had a meaning, or a story, or some piece of history to it.


So, though I'm late at getting this message to you, you are NEVER, NEVER, NEVER more than a split second away in my thoughts, in my heart and I miss you.  I still wonder when you'll be back from where ever you've temporarily gone.  And, though we both know you won't be coming back physically, just let me have that to hold onto for a little bit longer, until I make the adjustment that

you'll only be able to live on in my heart.


May your days be filled with good health, happy memories, and with the knowledge that you are

truly, truly loved, and missed ..........


Your Daughter Marcia

Gram, One of the best memories I have was when we got to talk for hours. Its a stressful time right now for me and I could sure use a kick in the butt from you! I just need strength to make it through the next couple of months. I know you would give me you blessing now so somehow I'll look for that in the next few days! I love you! Dan

Tomorrow you will have been gone a year yet it still seems like yesterday to me and i miss you as much now as when you left,but i tell myself you are in a better place and free of pain and worring would each day be your last we talked a lot about your last days and how you did not want to choke and not beable to breath that was your biggest fear and i would tell you that would not happen and as we sat with you  and you left us peacefully and even as i was crying cause you were gone i knew in my heart you were in a much better place. Theres not a day that goes by i don't think of you and wish we could tell each other we love you and give a hug to each other.I know you will watch over us as you did when we were kids even though we are grown now.

i love and miss you


Birthdays past ....

I'm having a hard time today absorbing the fact that it was just a year ago, that we were sneaking to your room at Genesis, to decorate outside your room.  Despite the "orders" that you didn't want any decorations.  Yup, as kids will do, we didn't listen, and did it anyway.  Everybody loved it, and, I think deep down, you did too!!!  Remember, we brought cupcakes in for everyone to have.  Though we went against your wishes, I don't think God will hold it over our heads given that our mission was simply to try to make your special day, a little more special.  Who was to know that would be the last birthday we would celebrate with you.  And now, looking back, I can more easily see why you didn't want the big fanfare. I can see how you just weren't feeling well.  I can't begin to understand the fear you often held -  inside and out.  If we had only known - - - is there anything we would have done differently?  The only thing I can think of would hav been to hold you more, and hold you longer.  I can only hope Mom, that where ever you are celebrating your birthday, that you are enjoying peace, comfort, and God knows, LOTS of chocolate cake with chocolate frostlng - oh, and that it's store-bought because I honesty don't remember Gram EVER making a birthday cake! Not unlike most other days,  today you will be center stage in my thoughts, and yes, I will feel the pain of you not being here, not being able to recognize this day with you.  We will see you later though - Dad, Steve, and I, and Sam will be there too.  I'm going to try to hold onto the memories of last years birthday so that maybe it can make the pain of this one take a place somewhere in the background. 


MOM - I LOVE YOU, I MISS YOU, Many days I sitll don't know what to do without you.  Most days I still cry, I look at your picture and can't seem to register that you are gone.  I want to get to that place where I can "accept" your absence, but, I don't see that really ever happening.  In the mean time, I do try to find comfort knowing that you are there, watching us, protecting us, and some days, even disagreeing with us.  



Hi Gram! Normally it would be around 12pm when we chatted, not 12 am, but am just having a little trouble sleeping tonight, so I thought I would get some words of advice from you! I thought about you today because my Mom called me, but I didn't answer because I had just gotten up and didn't feel like talking. I felt guilty that i didn't answer because she then called Chip and asked to talk to me. I really didn't want to chat at the moment, and i didn't even say I loved her when we got off the phone. Shortly afterward I was so guilty that I didn't want to talk to her because one day....(you know the rest) So thank you for making me feel that way and i will cherish every time she calls. I'm sure she knows that I love her but I know its good to hear sometime. Anyway, I kinda wish this were a two way conversation, but I can imagine you would be saying something funny or reprimanding me for something. GIGGLE OH!! And I think you would be proud to know that I'm at least trying to give up that nasty habbit. We'll see how it goes but I'm working on it. I love you so much! Keep an eye on the ole' man back home! Danny (Your favorite grandson)
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