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Pat
 

Merry Christmas Ann,

I thought of you on christmas eve as i sat at Brendas watching the boys open there gifts and how we had spent it with you last year at the nursing home and you were so happy we were there,Marcia had put a picture of you on the web page and you were laughing i had not seen you laugh like that in a long time. made fudge and thuoght of you and knew i would not be taken any to you and it hurt because i' ve been doing it for years and knew you enjoyed every bite. Yuor always with me in my heart.

LOVE YOU

Pat

Your Daughter
 
Hi Mom, I wanted to write this morning but the "boys" were anxious to get started with Christmas. I'm here with the boys - Danny and Chip, in Pennsylvania. I needed things to be different this year for fear I wouldn't be able to make it through the day with the constant reminder that you are not here. So, we made the decision to come to PA to spend it with them. I think they were actually as excited as we were. We had a long train ride and after 13 1/2 hrs. finally got here. We've eaten out, cooked in, hung around, played games, and laughed. They have a cute place here in a nice neighborhood and I feel good about Danny being here. I know you didn't get to really know Chip but I know you would have liked him Mom. I wish you were here to continue to give Danny some words of wisdom; to help him understand that he has someone who truly cares about him. I wish that he would give the same caring, or, at least the appearance of the same type of caring. I can't believe he doesn't know how, or that he can't recognize what he has. I guess, in time, and with growth we can hope he will. It was a rough morning this morning. It goes to show, no matter how "different" you make it, how far away you get, no matter who you're with, we can't change what has happened; we can't bring you back. Though I think it has helped a little not being in those "familiar" places, or those that hold memories, it doesn't make us forget. Even the fact that there is no snow here has made it seem less like Christmas, or even winter for that matter, and the only reminder that it is Christmas are the presents and the 3 1/2 ft. tree in Chip and Danny's apt., it still doesn't allow me to forget that you are not here. I try to hold onto the fact that you are no longer struggling, that you don't hurt, don't struggle to breath, don't have to take those awful medications that you hated, but none of that takes away the pain of missing you. But then again, I suppose that will never go away, will it? Mom, we miss you so much; every day, every hour, every minute. And, on this day of the year that I know you particularly loved, we miss you that much more.
Pat
 
i was looking at picture taken at Mom and dads on thanks giving along time ago the kids were really young and now there all grown and have children and grand clidren of their own,it's hard to belive time has gone so fast .You left us 7 months ago yet it seems like yesterday how i miss you and Mom and Dad and wish i could talk to you and we could be together for christmas just one more time.Bert and Mary have a new grandson Kevin Richard born in Oct  forgot the day Bert is so proud.We have a new great grand daughter Jasmin Marie born Oct 23.well i guess thats all the news for now.I will write you soon.love you Pat 
Home page October 2008
 
Seven days, seven weeks, seven months.  It doesn't matter; the pain stays. 

 

       I re-live that day over and over, each time praying that we gave you everything you needed; that we were able to ease your pain and fears.  My greatest hope was that it was as I promised it would be - that you would not see the end coming, though my heart fears that you did.  You tried telling me, even using your infamous words "mark my words";  I thought if I didn't believe it, neither would you. 

     The wanting to talk to you, touch you, hug you and hold you doesn't ease and isn't easily deterred.   Every day I wish for just "one more day".  Every day, I "wait" for you

to come back.  Time continues to race on, yet also stands still.  Everything seems suspended in mid-air.  Nothing seems right.

       Life is not the same and it's unclear what direction it's suppose to be going.  Though once fairly sure of the path I should follow, I no longer know and often find myself just drifting from day to day - waiting for the answers to come and praying with everything in me that the answer will be you.  I know you understand all this Mom, I know you've lived it.  I wish we had talked about it more, I wish you had prepared me for this.  Despite the years and months we spent preparing for your leaving us, we never prepared for how to get through all of this.

       In these seven months the ONLY thing I've figured out is life is not, nor will it ever be the same.  Never will I be able to talk, touch, hug, or hold my best friend, my sacred confidante, my Mom.

       I miss you with all my heart Mom.

 

 

 

To Danny
 

Thank you.  Just remember, there isn't anything you can "do", except to be there.  Whether it's here or five states away, just "listening" is often enough.  And I know Grammy would tell you the same thing.

 

I love you,

Mom

Dan
 
Your anniversary is tomorrow...how long have you two been married? A hundred years? Must seem like that huh. I haven't written in a while but I think of you often. It is so hard to comfort my mother five states away. She really misses you a lot and it makes me really sad when she cries over the phone. I try to think of what you would say to me to try and comfort her but i come up blank mostly, I'm a little new at this. Things are really good here in PA, and Gram, as many times as you said "everyone comes back" I'm not so sure how true that is. We'll see.. I'm sure eventually you'll say "I told you!" hehe I miss you!! Dan
Previous Home Page
 

~ Mother ~

The young mother set her foot on the path of life.  'Is this the long way?' she asked.  And the guide said: 'Yes, and the way is hard'. And you will be old before you reach the end of it.  'But the end will be better than the beginning.

.

But the young mother was happy, and she would not believe that anything could be better than these years.  So she played with her children, and gathered flowers for them along the way, and bathed them in the clear streams; and the sun shone on them, and the young Mother cried,  'Nothing will ever be lovelier than this.'

.

Then the night came, and the storm, and the path was dark, and the children shook with fear and cold, and  the mother drew them close and covered them with her mantle, and the children said,  'Mother, we are not afraid, for you are near, and no harm can come.'

.

And the morning came, and there was a hill ahead, and the children climbed and grew weary, and the mother  was weary.  But at all times she said to the children,' A little patience and we are there.'  So the children climbed, and  when they reached the top they said, 'Mother, we would not have done it without you.' 

.

And the mother, when she lay down at night looked up at the stars and said, 'This is a better day than the last, for my children have learned fortitude in the face of hardness. Yesterday I gave them courage.  Today, I've given them strength.'

.

And the next day came strange clouds which darkened the earth, clouds of war and hate and evil, and the children  groped and stumbled, and the mother said: 'Look up.  Lift your eyes to the light.  ' And the children looked and saw above the clouds an everlasting glory, and it guided them beyond the darkness. And that night the Mother said, 'This is the best day of all, for I have shown my children God.'

.

And the days went on, and the weeks and the months and the years, and the mother grew old and she was little and bent.  But her children were tall and strong, and walked with courage.  And when the way was rough, they lifted her,  for she was as light as a feather; and at last they came to a hill, and beyond they could see a shining road and golden  gates flung wide.  And mother said, 'I have reached the end of my journey. 

.

And now I know the end  is better than the  beginning, for my children can walk alone, and their children after them.' And the children said, 'You will always walk with us, Mother, even when you have gone through the gates.'

.

And they stood and watched her as she went on alone, and the gates closed after her.  And they said: 'We cannot see her but she is with us still.   A Mother like ours is more than a memory.

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She is a living presence.......'

   Your Mother is always with you....

        She's the whisper of the leaves as you walk down the street;

            She's the smell of bleach in your freshly laundered socks;

               She's the cool hand on your brow when you're not well. 

.

Your Mother lives inside your laughter. 

     And she's crystallized in every tear drop. 

          She's the place you came from, your first home;

               and she 's the map you follow with every step you take. 

                    She's your first love and your first heartbreak, and nothing

                        on earth can separate you.

                        

                                Not time, not space... not even death!

 

M~
 

Went to Genesis the other day to drop off some clothes.  Having been back a couple of times since the funeral, but not having gone in that far, was quite surprised that as I saw Coral and then walked by Mom's room, I started to cry.  It's amazing what we hold onto, in our heads.  It was only recently, when transferring the phone numbers from my cell phone to a new phone, that I let go of Mom's phone number at Genesis.   I couldn't get myself to delete the number because, it would be losing another piece of her.  

Dan
 
I had a dream the other night, not that I have to tell you that because you were there. For those that weren't there, she was at work and she spoke to me so clearly I could distinctly hear her voice as if she were talking to me right now, right here. It was nice to see her at work again. Wearing those "scrub" shirts and a pair of jeans. For some reason I broke a martini glass and had to tell her about it. Maybe i was trying to ask for her advice, as usual, to help me figure out how to deal with the minor annoyances in my life.(i.e. the broken piece of the martini glass) She gave me a hug, and I asked how she was. I never really got an answer from that question anytime i asked it. Then, in my dream, she asked me how the funeral was. I said it was really sad, but nice that she were in peace. Then she said, in that assertively loving tone, that I remember her for who she was. I'm not really sure of the meaning of that, but I woke up after that. When I woke up I took and uncontrollable sigh. It felt really good to hear your voice again gram, its been a long time. I love you so much and we all miss you something aweful!! Take care, hope to talk to you soon. Dan
fixed
 
Marcia
 

Moving your home page here to create a new one:

I only remember two kisses - the first and the last. The first, with my love and the last, with death. The first brought happiness and the last relief! Srijit Prabhakaran

This memorial website was created for my Mom, Ann Marie Tolbert, who passed away on 2-27-08 after a long struggle with COPD.  I will miss her, everyday, for the rest of my life.

 

We prayed so many times your suffering would be over, and now that it is, ours has just begun.  I wonder when you're going to call, when the phone will ring and you'll be on the other end saying "just wanted to see what you were doing".  I want one more hug, just one more time to sit and talk, and have you tell me "everything will be ok". Just once more.                         

                                                                                                                                            

Where ever you are Mom, I hope you are enjoying days with clean, fresh air, void of oxygen tanks, tubing, and nebulizers.  That you are able to do all those things you want to do.  Somewhere, you are camping, fishing, playing horseshoes, teaching Sheba new tricks.  That you are able to find something to clean, until your hearts content.  But please, no cigarettes!

 

I pray that our comfort will come when we are able to understand that you are in a better place.  A place filled with nothing but fresh air.  A place where disease and illness do not exist.  A place where pain has no means of survival.  A place where you are safe, in the comfort of those who have gone before you.  That you can stand with Gram and Gramp,  and watch down over the rest of us. Help us to understand and accept.

 

We love you, we miss you, we cry for you, and, sometimes, when we can see through the pain, we manage to laugh.  

 

Love,

 

 

All our Love forever,

 

      Husband, Clarence

         Children, Marcia, Steve, Sam

            Sons and daughter-in-law,  Dan, Joe, Kay

              Grandchildren, Nichole, Danny, Kayla, Laura

                  Great Granddaughters, Coyah and Aaliyah

                     Sisters, Pat, Del, Linda, Mary, Donna, and Linda

                        Brothers, Bert, Larry, Stan, John, George & Nick

                           Neices, Nephews, Cousins, and Friends

 

Marcia
 

It's been a difficult week in that I'm constantly reminded that you are not here. I struggle when it rains or thunders, knowing how much you hate it and I try to rationalize your being alone at the cemetary. I struggle when it's dark, knowing how much you hate it.  I still get those sudden attacks where I realize that you are gone and it still takes my breath away - like it's not real. I still can't look at your picture for more than 10 seconds without crying.  I seem to spend a lot of time lately wondering what this is all about.  How do we continue to find the purpose for going on? Especially when we all know the end result? I feel like I'm living in a window of time, knowing the course it will take as age settles in.  I find myself measuring life as a countdown - the largest piece is gone.  And what do I do with the rest of it?

 

Went to dinner last night with Dad and Darrell.  Wish I could get those two to spend more time together, Dad would benefit greatly!  For the most part he seems much more mellow, maybe it's just the sadness that slows him down.

 

We just celebrated Bert's 65th birthday.  Can you believe it?  Although Mom, he acts more 75 - lol.  I have no doubt he was awar of your absence.  There is always something missing in the room at these events - YOU.

 

Nichole's baby is due next month. It's a girl and she's name her Alleya.  Sorry, I have no idea how to spell it but phonetically that looks about right.   Danny is starting  a new job on Monday, he's very excited.  It's time he got out of Applebees.  Kayla is away until December 2009 - long story.  One that would not make you happy but one that she's responsible for and only she cn deal with it.

 

Laura is at Sam's this summer doing an internship.  She'll graduate from college next June  - can you believe it?

 

Well, I'm back to work tomorrow - ugh!  God I hate that job, I wish I could find something else, I'll keep looking until something comes along.

 

Well Mom, a always, I miss you, I miss you, I miss you, so much.  My only comfort is in the hope that YOU are comfortable.  But most of all "FREE" of discomfort and pain. 

 

I love you Mom

 

Forever in my mind, my heart, my world.

 

M~

Hi Mom
 

We've just gotten back from vacation. 

 

We picked up Danny who has "done his time" and gotten that out of the way.  It's up to him now.  Though I still wish you were here to give him a lecture.  t would probably work better than me doing it.

 

God I missed you; kept thinking about you, wanting to call you.  I always call you when I'm away.  I bought a bench to put at the cemetary so I have a place to sit when I come visit.  I'm sorry I missed Memorial Day, but I memorialize you everyday.  I think of you every day, so much so, and I can hear you now, but I got your nickame - Annie - tattooed because when I hear or think of "Annie" I think of you and smile.  And that's a good feeling!

 

Got lots of unpacking to do, but know I'm thinking of you and missing you.

 

All my love Mom.

Pat
 

Ann, don't worry about Marcia,little Dan and Del i will always be there for them to help ease their pain the best i can just as you would. i have been thinking of you mom and dad a lot lately. It was hard losing mom and dad but the hardest was losing you,but some day we will all be together as a family again. I love you all watch over us til we meet again.

    LOVE YOU  

         Pat

Marcia
 

Mom,

 

As Mother's Day quickly approaches, the flood gates begin to open again, as does the pain and heartache.  I want to believe you're in a better place but  it can't be if you're not here.  I haven't cried for a while, but, I knew I was just stuffing them down deep.  We both know how I don't like things being out of my control. 

 

I spent a couple of hours today at the cemetary, cleaning up the lot.  I left you some silk flowers and a Mother plaque that I had ordered.  But, not to worry, I'll still be down on Mother's Day.  Make sure to set aside time and I'll being the coffee.

 

Danny left today Mom, I'm not sure which of the two things hurts more - knowing where he was going which means he won't be with me this Mother's Day, or not having you here with me.  One is like having a knife stuck in your heart, the other is like having your heart ripped out.

 

I've always hated the say, Rest in Peace (RIP), but, I hope you are.

 

I miss you so much Mom.  I know I "can" do this without ou, but I don't want to.

 

I love you .... so much.

"Danny"
 
It hasn't been a month, or a day even. Sometimes I wish i could call her and talk, or go visit. It seems harder being so far from family and friends now. Gram! Give me strength to make these dreams possible... Although I love my life and the new changes its brought it's not the same without family. Maybe that's why they call it "change." I know things will be okay! I have a ray of light that I've picked out for both of my grandmothers! Grandpa - your in my thoughts everyday! Happy Birthday Uncle Steve! Mom - I love you so much and miss you even more. I want to hug you right now and have you tell me that everything is okay because I'm so afraid of that being gone! I should have listened to you more and all that.....I love you and miss you more as each day passes! Dan
Me
 
Steve's birthday has come and gone.  I suspect it may have been a difficult day for him, the first birthday in 49 years without you.  So, we're starting with all those 1st's.  Easter, his birthday, and Mother's Day right around the corner.  That one scares me.  I'm torn between hiding in bed all day, or not.  Either way, I'll be with you - in my thoughts, in my heart
Sent from Dottie
 

When tomorrow starts without me,
And I'm not there to see,
If the sun should rise and find your eyes
All filled with tears for me;

I wish so much you wouldn't cry
The way you did today,
While thinking of the many things,
We didn't get to say.

I know how much you love me,
As much as I love you,
And each time that you think of me,
I know you'll miss me too;

But when tomorrow starts without me,
Please try to understand,
That an angel came and called my name,
And took me by the hand,

And said my place was ready,
In heaven far above,
And that I 'd have to leave behind
All those I dearly love.

When I walked through heaven's gates,
I felt so much at home.
When God looked down and smiled at me,
From his great golden throne,

He said, "this is eternity, and all I've promised you.
Today your life on earth is past,
But here life starts anew.

I promise no tomorrow,
For today will always last,
And since each day is the same way,
There's no longing for the past."

So when tomorrow starts without me,
Don't think we're far apart,
for every time you think of me,
I'm right here, in your heart

From Mom's original home page
 

We prayed so many times your suffering would be over, and now that it is, ours has just begun.  I wonder when you're going to call, when the phone will ring and you'll be on the other end saying "just wanted to see what you were doing".  I want one more hug, just one more time to sit and talk, and have you tell me "everything will be ok". Just oncemore.                         

                                                                                                                                            

Where ever you are Mom, I hope you are enjoying days with clean, fresh air, void of oxygen tanks, tubing, and nebulizers.  That you are able to do all those things you want to do.  Somewhere, you are camping, fishing, playing horseshoes, teaching Sheba new tricks.  That you are able to find something to clean, until your hearts content.  But please, no cigarettes!

 

I pray that our comfort will come when we are able to understand that you are in a better place.  A place filled with nothing but fresh air.  A place where disease and illness do not exist.  A place where pain has no means of survival.  A place where you are safe, in the comfort of those who have gone before you.  That you can stand with Gram and Gramp,  and watch down over the rest of us. Help us to understand and accept.

 

We love you, we miss you, we cry for you, and, sometimes, when we can see through the pain, we manage to laugh.  

M~
 

I got a call the other day at work from someone in another dept. at the College. It was a business call but (Gary) said first, he wanted to tell me how very sorry he was to hear that I had lost my  Mother.  I thought he was just being a kin co-worker expressing his condolensces.  Gary went on to tell me that he had know the "family" when he was growing up. Though he was from Lyme, I think he said he had relatives that he use to visit a lot and knew my Mom had lived on Water St. He said "John" is your uncle, and Linda use to cut his hair".  We talked about Larry having just retired and he saw Tina's picture in the paper with her father.  I was so surprised at this story.  I have worked at the college almost 8 years, and interact with Gary frequently and never, would I have had any reason to think, or know, that he would have known my Mother and her family.  Gary went on to say how he recognized her as soon as he saw her picture and that he remembered Mom working at Petco, on the Miracle Mile and that "we were always at Petco."  And he could remember her always being there and said, "she worked there a long time."  I shared wth Gary that my Mother "LOVED" her job at Petco.  And she did, as I'd heard her comment on it many, many times over the years. 

 

I thanked Gary for sharing his story.  It was very touching to sit and share these very old memories with him and I am so glad he did.  Thanks Gary.  It did give me a reason to smile (instead of cry).    

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